hey mum.

i spoke to mum tonight for an hour. i couldn’t sleep. she was getting ready for bed herself funnily enough… and we just hung out. the conversation hovered around the usual subjects. am i gambling? do i have enough blankets? am i eating enough? am i gambling?

no mum, i’m fine. i’m great.

… i am great… right? no, yeah… i’m great.

“what do you want son?”

i couldn’t answer. just a great sadness hit me. it’s that time of the year again, as the holidays come around. and you know these americans do it big as well. it’s fucking everywhere. and im spending it alone again. fuck i hate pity parties. when did i become this scroogey person? is this all really part of the cost of me being here? man. i chose THIS??

mum wanted to get off the phone (kinda), but i wanted her to stay. i’m missing home. of course i am. it’s been four years, and i’m still here. and in my missing home, and my jealousy of alex and chris and their financial success… mum of all people was there to back me up and remind me that i’m doing something special. never thought id see the day.

im single at the moment and dating. it’s strange, this is what mckenna wanted. but now that i’m starting to meet girls again, im realising maybe this is what i wanted too. 30, single in hollywood? holy crap. nothing serious, just meeting people here and there. sydney is so much fun and giggly. neleigh is completely new and NOT an actress. and caroline just has a GREAT fucking smile. asking for numbers again, and remembering to smile when meeting new girls.

oh right… stop being miserable, they can see that.

wait, do i look ok? do i have gum?

you need to talk to that girl in the next 30s.

i can’t believe you just said that.

ah. this shit. i remember this. i’m 30, am i still supposed to be doing this? wait some people do it until their 50’s. some stop in their 20’s. what am i doing? i have no fucking clue. i suppose im just filling in the gaps while i chip away at this career. and i suppose im just enjoying what life has for me right now. maybe ill forget that i’m missing home more and more every day.

anyway mum, im fine… love and miss all of you.

r.

it needs to be said.

i spoke to alex billings the other day. i like doing that. it’s almost as if meeting with her helps me push a reset switch. i check in with some of the bullshit i’ve stopped realising is bullshit.

frankly, i’m confused.

recently i decided to really get busy with my career again. get hungry. it’s been a real struggle, but i’m getting it done. it sure feels good to get things accomplished. i suppose with auditions slowing down, and getting a little stretched emotionally and physically, i’ve lost a bit of the intensity i had last year.

but i feel good. i feel as though i’ve turned a little corner. i know this because i’m excited about the future. i’ve no idea what it holds. i have butterflies, like a pleasant anxiousness, telling me to keep going.

that said… the confusion still lingers. mckenna.

this is a more honest blog. i need to get back to more of this too by the way.

r.

don’t think so much.

thinking refers directly to using your brain.

it just occurred to me that when people say “don’t think so much…”, they mean do it with your heart.

r.

same love.

i remember the first time i listened to this song a few months ago. listening to the words really inspired me to be a better person. not just for myself, but for the example we set for the people of tomorrow. we’re building the future for our kids today. it starts with us and starts today. with every decision you make, you can make a world you want.

something not “normal”?

then make it normal. make it so that our kids won’t ever know of a time when your colour mattered, or a time when your sexuality mattered.

or when marijuana was illegal, and viagra is not.

r.

don’t stop.

i’m lucky in that i have a great job. i wasn’t in the best of moods going into work the night before last. but two near perfect days at work, and i feel… relieved. i think my recent struggles have been against myself and the feeling that i’m being stale. i suppose the thoughts that my relationships and career not speaking to me was getting to me. with the advice i’ve been giving out lately, i figured i’d do well to take it myself and avoid being a victim. keep busy, and move forward.

ironically, thinking about moving forward and stopping with all the thinking made me remember a msg alex billings sent me. it was after i’d suggested i might want to do the steppenwolf intensive in 2010.

“Oh Ross WHAT A BRILLIANT FUCKING IDEA!! Listen…I’ll write you a letter of recc. that’ll knock their socks off!!! Let me know if you really want to do this. I think you’d LOVE this and it’s a chance to study with the finest teachers at Steppenwolf. It’s very intense, really hard work, and one of the most life changing summers on the planet. I’m not kidding. It changes ALL of us. This is brilliant. Let me know and I’ll start composing the manifesto for you.

By the way, your beautiful, gorgeous. heart felt letter made me weep at the dinner table. I shared it with my wife who now thinks you’re the finest man she’s never met. Ross..your work is huge. It’s beautiful and it soars. The Viewpoints may not make sense in your head all the time, but they resonate with you in a way that’s changing you from the inside out. You completely surrender and you completely release. Your Tempo (just in your life) is starting to reflect that. I know you can feel it. I can SEE you changing. The Universe is opening up to you. Go towards it. Feel yourself saying Yes to it. You are in the middle of something bigger than you.

Say Yes to it. Stop thinking.

Yes?

Stop thinking and go TOWARDS that thing! I love you, Angel.

Alex”

these last two nights i stopped thinking, and made some great new friendships. and it just got me excited about tomorrow again.

running faster towards that thing.

(again)

r.

In Barcelona

I sit outside a cathedral and it’s 5am. Doesn’t matter that it’s before sunrise, people are still milling about and there’s definitely a feeling that this city doesn’t ever really sleep. Or maybe I’m just used to LA.

My best friend in the whole world gets married today. I’m trying to make sure I’ve got a speech that reflects that friendship. I don’t believe words alone could ever do it justice. But I’ll try.

Being outside of the USA for the first time in four years has been so amazing and rejuvenating. Meeting new people and just going for the ride… I needed this. I needed to hit the reset button. After being completely consumed by my career, I’d kinda lost perspective. I’d lost a little sense of my own self worth because I was in hard focus of what I’d been working towards.

It’s been a while since my confidence has felt genuine. Perhaps I just needed to get away from… myself. I’ve rediscovered a lot of the old me in just a few days. I’ve been running so long from the person I used to be that I’d forgotten that guy got me to Hollywood.

Balance. In Barcelona.

r.

Four years.

Four years ago today, I arrived in Hollywood.

Today, I received my permanent green card.

get up and fight.

comic books have always been a way for adults to teach children some of the toughest lessons in life while still reaching their imagination, their dreams, and their hopes.

i was watching iron man 3, and in one scene, he is down to just the glove and the boot of a suit (which when at 100% is absolutely unstoppable) but still continuing to fight and struggle to victory. in superman returns, superman fights lex luthor and expels an entire kryptonite island into outer space. in iron man 1, tony stark uses an old model arc reactor at 15% energy to defeat his nemesis. i got to thinking… why are superheroes always critically injured when the final boss comes along?

it teaches kids to fight. you’re never going to be at 100%. you’re never going to have ideal circumstances. you might be injured. you might be hurt. but that doesn’t matter. you fight and you don’t go quietly. that’s how winning is done. you don’t just give up and roll over.

i may a little heartbroken. and i may be a little hurt… but i’m not resting. i have a huge audition in three hours (just what i needed). i have a private coaching session in 30 minutes. i have new meetings lined up.

get up and fight.

r.
ps – below is a little interview my agent wanted me to do. it’s part of a new series of postcards she’s doing. thanks for the support guys.

it was me all along.

i woke up this morning feeling strange. id given myself a week to feel whatever i had to feel, and just sit in whatever i had to sit in. heartache sucks, it happens. but then you get on with it.

when you have something wonderful, your mind is going to go to that place where you’re not sure if you’ll find something better. so stay fucking put. it’s easy to see it when other people do it; but rarely do we catch ourselves. but i did that this morning.

everything i wanted to say… i should have been saying to myself. go be great. respect yourself to know that you’re brilliant. no matter what happens, you don’t need the backup plan (who REALLY ever wants the backup plan?). whatever happens, what aches, what challenges, what joys lie ahead. you will be fine. and be better for having gone through them.

i suppose it’s easier to give that truth out when it’s other people… because it can be a great cover up for the fact that you’re afraid yourself.

i’m making decisions to put this change through. and i feel liberated. i’m going shopping for some new clothes with a friend (call the xfiles right?). i mean it’s been so long since i bought anything… it’s pretty gross that i still have half my sydney wardrobe. then i have plans saturday night with some new travelling friends from the mondrian. being a bellguy might just be even more than a cushy job with good pay 😉
r.

living your life. look closer.

people are often so concerned about living life. and not letting it slip by. maybe it’s different for everyone. well… obviously it is. that’s what i’m about to get to.

i was sitting back and eating my dinner and realised that i’d cooking and eating this meal a lot lately. lemon chicken, with sides of broccoli, rice and a glass of water.  thing is, it’s always a little different. the chicken’s dry this time. the broccoli is saltier this time. not earth shattering stuff… but you could say the same thing of any moment in your life. it’s never the same as the last.

that’s a hard concept though. there’s so much in this life to experience. who doesn’t want to leave this planet having done everything they could have? it’s almost as if we’re wired for success. we want to experience an infinite world of possibilities with a limited amount of time. so no matter what we choose, we’ve planted our fingerprint on the universe. it’s not about doing as much as you can… it’s about finding peace in what you’re doing. every moment.

we’ll never be here again. what you’re doing is already special. there’ll never be another person like you again. there’ll never be someone else walking your path. even if you sit on the couch every day for the rest of your life, you will be unique. and it won’t be for anyone to judge. filling each moment you have with what you TRULY want… you simply get to where you were already destined. a special place in the universe. so enjoy it. after all, you ARE.

find more beauty in what you already have and possess. and that’s what i think “they” mean when “they” say find happiness within.

r.