ok. so that was january.
won’t lie. i was hoping for 2012 to ease up on me. apparently it’s not quite so subtle. after a huge release of honesty and text, i felt more vulnerable than i have been in my entire time here. it needed to happen. the truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off. that whole deal. and feeling that vulnerable and damaged, i didn’t make the best decisions. i grasped at straws.
even now, i feel a little empty. well a lot empty. but trying to fill the gap ASAP, or trying to ignore it, or trying to focus on something else just avoids the real issue. if this is where i have to be right now, fine. this one sector of my life is going to be a little hobby/journey for the next six months. dan and kayte will be the mentors leading me back into the game. eeesh.
in minor news. i got signed by pillar entertainment for management and am flying to seattle monday for a day of filming. i dropped $1401 paying my final SAG dues so as to get my card asap. i’m auditioning for CSI and General Hospital this week. weird. i don’t normally like speaking of auditions in the fear of jinxing them. but let me put the text in the universe. i’m booking General Hospital this week.
ooooooh. and i cut my hair. a lot of it.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4415773/ do me a favour and keep clicking that until i actually have supporters :p
i woke up at 6am this morning to get to set for a 7am call time. i filmed until 130pm (thanks michelle, i had a blast ;). then i went to work. and worked from 2pm to 9pm when my boss let me home early cuz i looked like trash (thanks jamy…). then instead of going home to rest, i filmed an audition (thanks for helping out amanda). now its 130am. i have class at 10am. then work from 2pm–1030pm.
knee jerk reaction? yes. then again this is just how my life is these days. i’m responsible for all of it. but there’s something new.
i havent felt this alone or angry since i got to LA. and i’m exhausted. i’m thankful for the people in my life. i cant even think right now.
that my mind has reached this state means i know im close to something. im scared and angry. so i must be close. just keep doing what i’m doing. get on with it.
i just felt like i wanted to type. i couldn’t stop folding my arms this morning. and this fucking tempo and topography won’t go away. i’m exhausted. i’m homesick. i’m making excuses.
and i know this is all a compass pointing me towards what i need to do. the universe is asking if i’m ready by fucking with me. like a kung fu spar. like a football game. like a relationship. like an acting scene. like anything i’ve ever done. i need to say yes.
i’ll do this audition.
i felt like i needed to type more. i’m starting to realise something about myself.
a couple of days ago, a frog was sitting by a lake admiring the view. he was a good frog and it was a good day. suddenly from behind him, he heard a voice call out to him.
“oi. you in the green…”
he turned around. it was a scorpion.
“sup. what do you want?” the frog asked. he knew scorpions weren’t the friendliest creatures around and was wary.
“i was looking for someone to give me a ride across that lake. you down dawg?” the scorpion said with a grin.
“well. you know what? no. actually that sounds like a terrible idea. i won’t lie to you. i don’t feel like being stabbed today. i’m a frog. you’re a scorpion… it’s not a good idea.” the frog said.
“no, no, no, you got it all wrong. i just want to get to the other side. my wife’s over there with my scorpion kids and everything. i mean, if i stab you we’ll both die.”
the frog pondered this for a second, and figured it was logical enough.
“sure. that makes sense. climb on.”
he knelt down a little, and the scorpion climbed on, and they hurriedly started to cross the lake. everything was going fine; in fact they were almost halfway across when suddenly the frog felt a huge stabbing sensation in his back.
“HOLY FFFFFFFFFFFFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! DUDE WHAT THE HELL, NOW WE’RE BOTH
GONNA DIE???!!! MUTHAFU………….”
the scorpion shrugged his shoulders and replied:
“dude i’m a scorpion.”
everything in the universe is just going to be how it is. people are going to be who they are and do what they do. the only thing you can control is who you are and what you do.
i’m reading the alchemist at the moment. holy shit. it feeds my soul.
when we’re young, we know our life mission. it’s clear. what we want to accomplish. our legend. then as time passes and we grow older, a mysterious force envelops us and begins to make our legend seem impossible.
i don’t know why. i’m one of the lucky ones. i know my legend. it’s happening. it’s already done in my mind… it’s just a matter of time before the rest of you see it.
how fucking cool is that?
happy new year.