i once wrote in my blog (meaning i had originally wanted to find the link, but couldn’t muster up having to sift through my ramblings to present you with it), that in life we are constantly faced with lessons. and when life presents them to you, you have to learn them to progress. some of these lessons are tough. really tough. some will be bitter. some will be infuriating. but you have to learn them. in fact, life will often keep you where you are until you’ve learned them. the hard lessons are the ones which we resist the most against. it’s a little counter intuitive. when you don’t want to listen, and when you’ll do anything except sit down and shut up to listen… that’s often the time to stop. i call this a sit. then there are other times when you’re waiting for a sign, when you feel as though you need to listen… but it’s often when you need to get moving. i call this a go.
don’t sit when you’re supposed to be going. and don’t be going when you’re supposed to be sitting. get them wrong, and you’re going to have a bad time.
i’ve been having a bad time lately. and getting stale. i found myself getting angry at everyone and everything. i didn’t have enough in my life, and the few things that i did have were being put under enormous pressure. i filled the blanks with hating others who were doing what i should have been. hating and judging can be an all-consuming past time. like a poison that slowly infects your being.
last night i woke up and found a clip from bruce lee (like i haven’t seen ALL of these already)… running water never goes stale. i gave myself something to wake up for. a reason to go. and everything feels better.
i’m done sitting for now. 😉
ps – i have this picture in my bathroom. friends told me it was very “ross” when i decided to buy it. a little corny. well… a lot corny. and i see it everyday; but sometimes i forget to really look at it.
Today is my 1270th day in Hollywood. Precisely two years from today will be my 2000th day.
Coincidence that I checked on this? Who knows.
I think I just set myself a countdown. If I’m not where I want to be, I’m done. Goals are great, but they’re nothing without a schedule.
two posts in a day. you know things are getting bad.
in the industry, there is what’s called a cycle. i discovered it by myself, and was happy to learn i wasn’t alone when i started hanging out with actors who’d been around the block a while.
when you first book something massive, there is a huge uplift, and joy that you carry with you for a while. soon enough, you’ve filmed it, and have begun auditioning for other projects. then more time passes, and doubts creep into your mind about when your next booking will come. as even more time passes, you start noticing the success of others more. you see your own weaknesses seemingly grow disproportionally. it’s almost as if you’re going insane. you’ve been here before, but when you’re at the end of your cycle, it’s as though it’ll never end. then you book something.
i’m at the end of my cycle which runs at about four months.
i feel though this time i’m really being strained. it seems like one thing after another. here i am putting on my strongest face, suit and tie. ready to continue. but with more and more frequent looks to my tank (and bank account) wondering how much longer i can go. it’s normally around this time i send out an SOS to my career to rescue me. it’s never failed me. but i just feel so exhausted and so fearful. and angry. FUCK.
it’s not like i’m going to give up. but continuing to step forward is scary. and it’s building. i find myself looking for help. but i know there’s no one to help me except myself. and it pisses me off. then i realise there’s little to be solved through bitching and moaning.
carry on rosscoe. worse things have happened to many. any fool can say yes at the top of the cycle. champions say yes at the bottom. i’m a champion.
i didn’t get either of the avails. and my car got towed the other day. headaches, and lots of them. I was getting so wrapped up in all of it, that I was about to go insane.
so I decided to do something different. I spent today doing nice little odds and ends for friends. not to get anything out of it. but just because it’s not always about me. it cant be. time you spend bitching about your situation is time you could be spending showing the ones around you that you care.
it’s a nice sentiment at least. and it did make me feel a lot better. I like knowing the ones around me a having a good time.
also, I got given a piece of text the other day.
“how much time do you spend bitching about others, or talking yourself up?”
and I realized again, it’s a lot of wasted energy. I want to make a conscious effort to do less of both. it’s a real turn off. a serious turn off. I want to do better.
my best friend alex is in town. we went to a lakers game. I like spending time with that guy. im hoping one day I can take him to a game.
so for the month of january, i had six major auditions, four callbacks and two avails.
not bad. but total dollar value in my pocket. 0.
for those of you who don’t know what avail is, the casting process for a project typically goes like this for a national commercial.
1000 odd head shots are submitted to the casting office.
50 will get called in for the audition.
5 will get called back.
2 will be placed on avail while the producers make a final decision.
1 person gets the job.
that’s not the case for all roles, as there may be more or less roles, people called in, etc… but you get the picture. being on “avail” is heartbreaking. while the final decision is made, you know there’s one or two other people doing the same thing as you, hoping the next call is your agent. any one of those steps is hard to get to. and to be at the final hurdle waiting? it’s insane.
i missed two avails in the past two weeks. fuck.
at least that was my first response. then i started to look at it again. (i had to otherwise i’d have killed something). REALLY, the only thing i want from the bookings is the money. it’s not really REEL material. it’s not really acting experience. my agent must know im doing the right things. so must the casting directors and the director.
money i can get elsewhere. and pushing along to other projects that actually add to my growth and value as an actor is what i need to do.
besides, if this is what’s going on, i must be doing something right. so clear the junk from my head… and understand it’s part of the cycle. just keep swinging the bat. eventually, something’s going to hit.
in the mean time, it doesn’t hurt to get even better at swinging the bat.