In my life, I have often been slow to put something into the universe, (my journal, my acting and even this blog) because I wasn’t sure if it would change. For example, I wouldn’t put theories on acting, friends and relationships if I didn’t think it would stand the test of time. I suppose I didn’t want to look back and think “oh… how stupid”.
But we always end up doing that anyway don’t we?
So here goes.
I have a girlfriend. I love her. She’s more fun than any other girl in my life at the moment. She’s interesting and challenging.
That’s how it is now. And that can all change tomorrow. And that has to be ok.
i’ve been overestimated. it’s annoying because you feel like you let people down.
i’ve been underestimated. it’s annoying because it can be insulting.
know your own self worth. and go and get it. either you are… or you’re not. you must deal with the situation you’re in.
i cut my hair.
when i was 18, i could’ve sworn i’d fallen in love with a girl. she was gorgeous. i’d met her through a friend in my final year of school. to be honest, i didn’t know her that well, but we spent a week together, and it was special for me. she lived in melbourne and i lived in sydney. i’d never kissed anyone before in my life. her name was krystal.
i remember when we stopped talking it had felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest. it sucked. i couldn’t get over it, for the longest time. i never felt like doing anything, and that dirt feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? it followed me around for months. i’d never gone through anything like that before, and i had no idea how to recover.
a little over ten years later, today i had a similar kind of feeling going on. when i’d gotten home from work… and a detour, i found myself on autopilot. wash the car. deposit cheques. do some bank stuff. go see spiderman. go have a tea with adelyne. listen to some music. play with my rats.
and suddenly i felt better. there’s a side of me that know’s it’s not all good. but recently, it’s been very much “if it’s happening, then it’s really happening”. along my journey, i’ve been lucky enough to learn some really cool lessons. doing what i’m doing was never going to be easy. there was always going to be ups and downs.
i didn’t get hawaii-5-0. but for some reason i feel as if better stuff is coming. i’m awake again. new apartments, new friends… and i’m probably firing a lot of guns tomorrow.
let’s rock and roll. when the universe dishes something out to you, you don’t get to send it back to the kitchen.
i don’t fear friday 13th nearly as much as i fear daylight savings time changing day. don’t ask. just wait for it to happen, there’ll be a blog entry of shit that screws me on that day…
man, i’m a little scattered this morning. my apartment is a party venue for ants which have been a problem here in the last week. neighbours have been leaving bags of trash which have been attracting hoardes. if only i could train sydney and beatrice to find and destroy them.
i was just thinking today as well. when you’re in a situation where the positives far outweigh the negatives, it’s not hard to stay where you are. then, as the positives start to disappear, questions start to pop up. and it gets harder to justify hanging around.
one thing you can count on, things will constantly change and shift. if it’s happening… then it’s really happening. sometimes that sucks.
a gunman takes a room full of hostages and struggles against his soon-to-be fatal wound. the hawaii-5-0 crew bust in and try to make the arrest before the gunman passes out.
that’s what i’m auditioning for tomorrow. it’s exciting.
more focused lately, but there’s certainly a weird vibe going around the universe. i feel confident ahead of this audition. i read somewhere that when you want something, the universe conspires to make it happen. it brings together the steps you need to climb to get to where you’re going. there’s something about this audition that just seems to… i dunno. i can feel it. something. i dunno. it’s late and i’m tired.
it’s july. halfway through another acting year in hollywood. some things have stayed the same. some things have grown. i have a special girl in my life. that’s new.
i just feel like there’s a lot of good stuff coming. but at the same time that bus carrying all the good stuff is warning me to take caution. does that make sense?
i’m in a writing mood i suppose. i haven’t written in my actual journal for about a month as well. shame on me.
i spent today for me. i spent it in soft focus. and i let the day itself unfold as it needed. i cleaned the house listening to the soundtrack i put together when i first left sydney.
i walked 50 virtual kilometres via google street view. just through the streets of sydney. i can see where buildings have changed. i can see where some things have stayed the same. as i “walked” around, i began to realise, it’s not going anywhere.
i had lunch with friends. i came home and worked out. i even put aside my fear of water long enough to go for a swim… “swim” is more accurate. fucking water.
a shower, a few texts, and an hour of rat play time… and now a film. and i feel closer to resetting myself and getting my priorities set. i just needed a day to relax. i don’t think i’d given it to myself in a while. and it wasn’t helping.
oh and after a few phone calls and conversations, i may have my accomodation set out for the next few months at least. just buying enough time not to die. hmmm, someone write that down.
i’ve felt off the pace lately. i think since my castle episode, i’d fallen into something of a slump. i mean, things haven’t been that bad really… i got to see my parents, i’ve started exercising and eating healthier, and work is steady. but i’ve been pissed off and frustrated. i should know by now things go in cycles. but at the same time, i’m regular at this to know that when you’re down in the cycle, it never feels like it’s going to end. even if you know it will.
truth is… when my acting engine isn’t running… everything else suffers. my judgement, self worth, drive and ambition all get corrupted. it’s scary this time around though, because getting into class with alex billings had always solved everything. not this time. i can’t ever put a proper finger on it, but i get angry. like someone’s holding my soul hostage. funnily enough, it’s always myself. and in addition, the anger and frustration itself is normally indication enough.
i was cleaning out my sydney and beatrice’s home today, and i started talking to them… yeah i talk to my rats. asking them what i should do to get out of my slump.
i asked more specific questions. do i need to get back into class?
do i need to start getting out more and take a break?
put on a film?
they both ran to the door and put their paws up.
whether coincidence that i’d started making my way towards the food bags or not, i took it as an idea. as i fed them, i threw on my favourite film. “scent of a woman”… and before the opening credits came on, the intro theme hit me. i sat and watched, and it just felt like a reset switch had been hit. it felt like i’d been reminded why i was here. end result thinking was getting to me. i hadn’t been giving myself the freedom and the “yes” that i’d been looking for in other people.
thanks sydney and beatrice… beatrice you’re still not to go into the kitchen.