i was in line at ralph’s a little while ago on the way home from work. i’d had a long day, and i’m just getting over a bit of a fever. thanks to some gatorade and some… other stuff my recovery was sped up.
that said, the last thing i wanted to do was to be held up behind a heavyset woman in line that reeked so bad with BO that i was looking forward to her farting in my face. i swear to god this woman smelled like she’d been wrestling a fucking ape, then run off and rolled around in poo and covered herself in burnt hair.
fuck that woman.
so i finally booked a co-star role. no it’s not a lead in a major feature film. nor is it a recurring guest role in a tv sitcom. but it’s a couple of lines in a major television show. and it’s exactly what i’ve been working towards in the past few months.
when you think that for every one of these tiny roles, over a thousand people get submitted. of these thousand people, a casting ASSISTANT in a casting office sifts through and selects twenty people to be called in. of those twenty, the casting ASSOCIATE (and on occasion the casting DIRECTOR – who’s big fancy name is on the office) will pick five to go to producers. then the big money boys select two, and then they’re given the job/placed on “avail”.
i have witnesses at work that saw me do this.
my agent called me seven hours later telling me i landed the CASTLE job.
ps – no i don’t write these notes every day… i just had a feeling.
anyone will ever look at work i do in film and say “man, this guy is brilliant” the way that i do when i see work i love.
i’ll let you in on a secret.
we’re both gambling our lives. you need me to be wrong. and you need me to fail. otherwise i was right.
but before the roulette wheel stops spinning. before the end of the football game. before the cards come out. before the jackpot numbers come out.
i know that when the game is over… we don’t get to spend the winnings somewhere else. we don’t leave the casino. we don’t leave the racetrack. this is it. we get one chance to play. and we never get to come back again.
i’ve already won.
i went out to see dane cook with some good friends the other night. well actually -before i get busted by athena again- i went out to hollywood improv where dane cook was a LAST MINUTE SPECIAL GUEST.
he got up and did a quick set, and he was funny as balls. he just gets comedy and has a carefree, detached approach to his routine (which ultimately runs in parallel with how anyone should approach their art) that just screams, this is what it is… take it or leave it. people normally take it.
but between talking about banging 20 year old girls, vaginas smelling like they’d been washed by dirtier vaginas (fuck you dan you thieving asshole)… he said one thing for me that stood out. he spoke about how he was never cool in high school, and how he struggled with depression (nothing really ground breaking there) and the like. but now, at the age of forty, he felt as though he was hitting his peak… and how fucking glad he was that he didn’t peak in high school.
in an industry that DEMANDS patience, i know artists all around me that want everything right now. i am a huge culprit of this as well. part of my drive has impatience that demands that i go and get everything now and while this fire has often galvanized me into action it has often also exhausted me in times where there was little more that i could do. this in turn has brought about some serious mood swings.
i felt a gear shift today. and it honestly felt like it was never going to come… i guess what i’m saying is that sometimes you need to hang on just a little longer. remind yourself that commitment means you don’t just quit when things get rough. if you’re in for the long haul, blips are just that.
after all, dane seems to have a pretty good grasp of things. thanks for the wisdom dane cook. you owe me dan for getting you in touch with your hero.
have you clicked this yet? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4415773/
this actually helps me when producers look me up… seriously…
i’ve been in a funk this last quarter. i can’t put my finger on what it is. i don’t know why people (myself included) try and figure out what went wrong. do we think we’ll be able to avoid hard times in the future? unlikely. we don’t question things when they go well. but suddenly things take a bad turn, and we need to “figure it out”.
it’s not a coincidence though that my poor streak seemed to have been broken following a viewpoints class that i led on monday night. viewpoints for me, has always been about awareness. it’s not about doing more. it’s not about doing something to fix something else. it’s always been about being more aware of what you are doing, mentally, physically and emotionally.
i’ve been in my head in my acting. and with the way i approach my art, it filtered into everything else i did. my life, and my relationships. i wrote somewhere in my steppenwolf book “when you’re in your head, specific viewpoints will rescue you”. i remember it was as a result of an improv tip that eric hunicutt had given us. naturally, it’s not just improv that this works. it’s in everything.
as an actor, we face more rejection than most. as a person, our self defence mechanisms (whether validated or not) look to step back into safety when this happens… only to eventually recover to step forward again. this seems to scream inefficiency to me. what if in the face of every rejection, you stepped forward and saved the backwards step for the history books of things you used to do?
in these three months when things have been scarier and rougher than ever in my time in LA, i’d been frozen with fear. my viewpoints class seemed to awaken me to where i was going with my mind, body and soul. i realised, i’d been continually trying to go back to where it was safe, only to realise there is no refuge for me there. there is no recreation. there is only rediscovery. the faster i step forward… the faster i get out of this box.
and suddenly. i’m back.
i don’t need a reason.