turned 29 today. who would’ve thought? am i living backwards? at 24, i was a university graduate who’d just joined the corporate ranks at coca cola with a fine job. short hair back and sides, suits and coffee in the morning, business meetings before lunch, and rush hour traffic at the end of the day.
now here i am in hollywood…
and now this is me. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4415773/
i’m convinced people don’t change. they simply grow and give into the strengths that they’ve always had. imagine an infant in adults clothes. as it grows, the clothes begin to fit better… and better… until it’s a fit. there will be times when the clothes fit earlier, and some when it’s not until later.
this is as opposed to an infant wearing clothes until it’s a toddler, then changing. then growing to a child, changing… a teen, then changing, etc.
as i turn 29 and continue this journey of mine, i’m realising my strengths are not these brand new tools that i’ve found and polished here in hollywood. i’ve had them this the whole time.
happy birthday to me. i have some of the warmest friends supporting me. new and old. you guys give me a strength to keep going when my own fails me. thank you for sharing in my life.
i was driving to juicy burger today and something hit me.
the truth is. i don’t think i can do this. it’s just where my mind is at the moment.
one of my best friends got married on sunday. i got to be a groomsman, and i have to say it got to me a little. i’ve known the guy for 17 years, and to see him promise himself and his life up there was really something. maybe i’m a little soft for weddings. congratulations chris.
one of my other best friends finished his last show in company the other day. he’s one of the best men i know. he’s grown tremendously as an actor and as a person (as it goes), and i admire him tremendously. i don’t even think he knows that i look up to him. he’s 6’2″.
that said though, something clicked in me. 2012 has been a rough ride so far. it’s not easing up on me, and i’m realising it’s because i’ve not been moving forward as much as i should have. i need to cut a lot of dead weight. for whatever reason (whatever i’m afraid of), i held on to a place… perhaps because it was safe. i could say it’s because dan’s there… but that’s not the whole story. but with the changes with chris, dan and athena (whom i owe the world to), there has to be a shift in me.
the safety blanket is no longer protecting me. it’s holding me back.
cutting dead weight. ha. on valentines day. who said i wasn’t romantic?
what’s so great about acting? why do you love it?
when you start out, it doesn’t happen a lot. that one single moment of honesty. of sincerity. it’s like a drug that i became addicted to. finding it and being part of it, however possible. that’s why i love acting. i mean, i was curious to try it. and so when i did i liked it. no one knows why we like some things and not others. but had i not tried, id have never known.
any lightbulb moments?
holy shit, one? i was watching beckham score a goal. and just absolute joy was all that could describe his face. his feeling of wow. power. flight. .. sounds familiar. oh. thats how i feel when im acting and growing. so i run towards it. i don’t need a reason. i just go.
that’s february. but in it’s more honest and true me-appreciating form… and better… it’s mine. no serious, i mean it. back off.
my 29th birthday is coming. holy shitballs i can hardly believe it. it’s strange, i never thought i’d end up being an actor in hollywood 10 years ago. it literally hadn’t crossed my mind yet. i look at how i was at 19, and 24… (arbritrary choices)… and from an outsiders perspective, that other guy was so well put together. but on the inside, there was such a darkness spreading through his blood and veins. to be honest, i think saying yes to my heart and soul saved my life.
there were some pretty dark days. really dark if i’m going to be honest. there was something in me that told me i’d be all right… but only barely. as i go back in my mind today, i realise just how close i was to giving up. and it’s scary. i don’t know what changed in me so as to make me say yes to my fear. maybe it’s the guy here in front of his computer finally needed to get some truth out. i like this guy more.
so as i refocus this week, i want to… i forgot what i was typing.
i’m under the influence. OF WINNING!