I wish life had a pause button sometimes. Alex Billings, possibly the greatest teacher and influence on my life (artistically and otherwise) once said “Baby, there’s no waiting for the next free fall… from one to the next. I won’t always be there to catch you, but you’ll be fine.”
I wonder sometimes why she saw so much in me. My parents are in town at the moment, and they helped me connect the dots. Alex helped me realize there was more in me than I’d ever let myself imagine. But without my parents I could never be this actor. Discipline, focus, a business mind, logic, a sharp mind, uncompromising work ethic… genius. My father. An open heart. Unconditional love and honesty. Sensitivity. Creativity. My mother.
There are going to be times where you don’t feel like enough. Just remember that you’re insulting all the people who’ve given everything to get you to where you are.
I’ve lost focus lately. And I think I needed this evening to regathering myself. The gesture my parents are making has made me rethink what I’m doing. Always teaching me and watching my back. Not changing… But growing further still. I’m just refining myself.
June is coming. Half time is coming in the fight. I’m bringing RJ and Alex Billings back into the game. It’s time to get back into class.
why is there no food in the fridge?
it’s so dusty everywhere.
you’ve got two girls living with you? is this a hotel?
when was the last time you vacuumed?
how can you live like this?
do you have any clean sheets?
do you have any other pillows?
where are the underpants i bought you in february?
don’t worry, we’ll leave soon.
you don’t love you parents anymore?
we just love you son.
wait until they meet Sydney my rat.
on a side note. i’m looking in my fridge, and i’ve deliberately eaten everything timed to their arrival. i suppose i could go out right now and buy a few things to appease them… forget it, i’ll take the earful and save the forty bucks.
i have a pet fucking rat. what now muthafucka? she eats bananas, and loves my hair. we’re going to get along well.
why you ask? like i need a reason. but if you do, well… firstly because the bastards at petco were selling them to snake owners (though apparently they’re not supposed to) for feeding. secondly, she volunteered to be my guardian for this next stage of my acting career. a lot of things have shifted this past month. i’m doing my best not to hold on to old stuff that doesn’t serve me.
so really, she’s doing me the favour. something new. shaking things up just a little. and i’m grateful for that.
and for mckenna.
a teacher of mine once told me that if you cut out all the people in your life that lie, cheat, betray you… you’re going to have no one left.
i live my life as i do my art. the things i do in my acting career, have filtered into my life. and vice versa. one of the greatest lessons i learned as an actor, was to find out what everyone else was doing… then do the opposite. i haven’t had the prettiest week.
i was hurt by a situation and hurt by close people. i’m only human. it’s going to sting. but before i sent my mind reeling into a black hole of… well… unhelpful thoughts and feelings, i stopped. let’s play this acting card. what would everyone else do? cross that all out. how would my art and the universe unfold this? the sooner you embrace and make peace with what’s going on. the better.
people are going to be who they are. that’s why there are no apologies. there is no forgiving. this is a tough step. but once i began realising this… i realised something else. it’s up to you to decide who you let into your life. if someone continues to be who they are, then ultimately you can choose not to have them there. no one is faultless. but people can grow. and that’s a choice we all make.
once you realise the universe is not out to get you. you can move forward faster, it’s not personal. the universe was here before me. it will be here after me.
art in my life. life in my art. thanks alex.
i’m not going to work today. i need another day off. amie meadows is pretty bad ass for helping me with my audition. i think i eat healthier around you as well.
my imdb meter is higher than it’s ever been. sitting pretty at 16k. it may be a while before it’s ever that high again. i’m spending this day off doing acting stuff. i feel like a terrible actor. i see people on stage and on film all the time doing this wonderful work. and i wonder if i can still do it. or if i’ve just become a teacher and critic who used to. what did i do? oh right. i ran past nathan fillion. i mean the last time i was on stage, i was being hanged. by silas weir mitchell. nice guy. i don’t think it really pushed my acting chops though.
so postcards, and casting directors will be seeing my face. it feels kind of mechanical. i told amie just the other night… “you’re immersing yourself in the side of the business that wears you down. your subconscious knows that if you continue like this, you’ll eventually give up and go back to where it’s safe. keep finding your joy, and you’ll stay forever.” hmm… never good at taking my own advice.
i suppose that’s why some people get into relationships. there’s a serious joy to be found. and it’s a lot easier than becoming an actor. it’s right there for everyone. and yet i feel as though i’m standing at the gates saying “no, i want the acting career.” well shit. what if i’m wrong? the past few days, i’ve felt like i’ve been wrong.
on a side note i’ve made another very ordinary discovery. when i’m drunk there’s a side of me that comes out that i miss. i’m suddenly more laid back, worry free, and fun. i’m so wrapped up in this city and this career, that i find it hard to let go when i’m sober. i suppose that’s how the slippery slope starts for an actor. i miss that guy. he’s a lot more fun. his parrots don’t consume him. funny, the mind that allows me to slip like this and get text out like this… is exactly my gift. what a piece of shit.
back to bed.