i’m just so fucking frustrated at the moment i could throw my desk out the window. i’m tired of busting my balls for mediocrity. i’m tired of not getting quite what i want in my life. i’m losing my fucking mind trying to make peace with the fact that i don’t know what’s missing. i just feel that it is. or maybe i do, and i’m just too afraid to face it. what kind of fortune cookie shit is that? quotes are not helping me. cliches are not helping me. where is my fucking support and why do i feel so alone? oh right, because this just “comes with the territory”. thanks for that.
i’m paying my fucking dues. but i’m paying it with my sanity. i’m working so hard just to keep my shit together, and i have seemingly nothing to show for it. nothing i’m doing is solving any of my problems, nor am i getting any closer to revealing any more answers. do you know what that’s like? there’s just this red haze that’s engulfing me no matter how hard i try and get away from it.
as if the voices in my head weren’t loud enough, the energy that makes all this worth it is just getting weaker.
“but wait ross, keep your stuff together. just hang in there.”
oh yeah sure. for how fucking long? i swear to god i’m close to just having a good snap. but hey, that won’t solve anything either. i’m just not in a good place mentally right now, and the fragility of it all… makes me even more mad.
i’m going to go run 5 miles.
it’s been a while since my last entry. i’m not entirely sure i know why i’ve left it so long. it might have to do with my realisation that lately i’d been trying to be an image of what i thought people expected me to be. ha, and i wonder why why i’m confused. since when have i been like that? oh wait. i’ve always been like that. it’s just that recently, it’d dropped off. without me really realizing it. like an under exercised muscle, that impulse i had worked so hard to build up that said to “charge forth!” and “embrace your fears”, had begun to fade. i guess i didn’t really want to be honest with it. as you go along your journey, things don’t get easier. you just get stronger so long as you get through.
so what am i doing now? i’m taking a step back.
why am i here? i love the art of story telling. i love the self discovery. i am on a journey that no one can navigate me through. i feel it in my entire being.
i have learned one interesting thing this past week… one of my biggest and brightest joys… is seeing someone achieve real happiness.