why is there no food in the fridge?
it’s so dusty everywhere.
you’ve got two girls living with you? is this a hotel?
when was the last time you vacuumed?
how can you live like this?
do you have any clean sheets?
do you have any other pillows?
where are the underpants i bought you in february?
don’t worry, we’ll leave soon.
you don’t love you parents anymore?
we just love you son.
wait until they meet Sydney my rat.
on a side note. i’m looking in my fridge, and i’ve deliberately eaten everything timed to their arrival. i suppose i could go out right now and buy a few things to appease them… forget it, i’ll take the earful and save the forty bucks.
so those of you who don’t know, there’s i have a new room mate. he’s about an inch tall, two inches long, and runs at a little over the speed of sound. he has the skills and reflexes of a fucking jedi, and after my multiple botched attempts to catch him in a civil manner with bait ranging from cheese and ham, to airhead sour candy, he most likely eats better than i do. i’ve affectionately named him jerry. i want to say before i go any further, i’m not one of THOSE people. when i see spiders, bugs, mice and small children in their natural environment, i don’t go out of my way to kill them. but come into my house? you dead.
i think what pisses me off the most though, is that from a distance (that he knows i can’t leap at him from) he crawls around my apartment in a very chill manner. he’s having a great fucking time. and then later on when he’s gone, i find myself poking my head around the kitchen, and wandering around as if im in HIS apartment. last i checked it’s my name on the fucking lease BUDDY.
and so, after pondering how best to solve my problem. i went to the 99c store and looked at the arsenal of options they have available to me. i thought about rat poison, but that’d just leave me with a rotting corpse somewhere in my apartment. i’ve heard of those box traps where you can release them humanely back a few miles away from your apartment alive and well. but i’ve settled on two tried and tested methods. here’s one of my favourites.
i just liked the drawing really. he’s having such a bad day.
either way though, as i was coming up with ways to bring about my friend jerry’s demise, someone appealed to my sense of christmas spirit. what about CHRISTMAS?
merry fucking xmas.
golf scores? speed limits? bust sizes of girls in california…? no. the above are the forecast temperatures in fresno for the next week. i wont lie. its fucked. i have to redefine what i say to people constitutes as “walking distance”. im here now in fresno at the wonderful campus. and while everything is gorgeous and beautiful… there isn’t a cloud in the sky, and it’s only about 10-20 yards before you break into beads of sweat.
for those of you who dont know, i was lucky to get into a steppenwolf intensive course which is held at the steppenwolf west campus. now, when they say INTENSIVE, they mean it. we are going monday to SATURDAY, 815am to 10pm. yeah. 14 hour days. whats up? HOPE YOU LIKE WORK! we’ve got some fantastic teachers here, jeff perry from steppenwolf (and its magical having him work WITH us, and not even as an instructor), alexandra billings who is one of my favourite people in the world, kim (a new teacher for me, who seems to work with the same goal as alex, but in a different way), rob clare from the royal shakespeare theatre company (who seems to be as good if not better than ms hensel in making shakespeare approachable, as opposed to some foreign task), and john mayer… no not THAT john mayer.
ive been handed a food card, which allows me three meals a day (see mum i AM eating well… im destroying and hoarding the fruit basket and taking them back to my room like a good starving actor). and im staying in a lovely little apartment which could probably fit eight people… comfortably.
im absolutely exhausted. i cant write much more, but ill keep you guys posted. ive been thrown down a challenge to not use my mobile phone at all during the time im here at fresno (during the day at least), and computer access is limited (HOLY FUCK!) but if you want to get a hold of me, im on facebook from time to time. OTHERWISE LEAVE A MESSAGE? HOWS THAT FOR AN IDEA??
on a side note, i met the toughest, baddest, fucking squirrel youve ever seen walking to the cafeteria. im used to possums and birds in australia that fly off when you walk near. that being the case, i was walking with some new friends of mine when i saw a squirrel ahead. now, he was standing in the middle of the path. now i didnt notice this sonofabitch until i got closer to it, and i noticed it eyeballing me. now, at about 10 feet, it hadnt walked off. at 5 feet it kinda squatted down as if it were going to. at 2 feet… i kinda stopped and we had a stare down. after a little while, it kinda walked nonchalantly off, as if to say “im walking off on my terms. you peasant.” i was going to yell “yeah you better walk away…” but to be honest, i didnt have it in me.
chris finally took me to “rosscoes” the other day. now this place is notorious for a number of things. not least of all, black people, chicken and waffles. from day one, chris had been going on about how great the chicken at this place was (i couldn’t help but have dave chappelle in my head for this one), and being the chicken addicted boy i am, got excited.
there are some weird combinations in the world. cross country skiing and alpine shooting a gun, the phone and the camera (let’s be real when nokia first did it in 2002 people wondered wtf?), tuna and peanut butter, and now apparently the norm at rosscoes… fried chicken… with a side of waffles. really?
ok so i sat down and we greedily ordered our food after looking at the menu and deciding everything looked good. i sat rubbing my hands for a total of about four minutes before the food was brought to us in a rush. A+ for service. looking around people were going to TOWN. they were eating this chicken like it was going out of fashion.
so when they brought out the plate two things struck, bothered and upset me.
1. who the hell has fried chicken with a side of waffles?
2. there were two pieces of fried chicken, no bigger than if you were to put your index and middle finger together and cut them off at the knuckle. and the waffles (fucking two of them), were about the size of your hand outstretched, and an inch thick.
cmon fuck you. the chicken was absolutely delicious. but by the time youre done with the waffles you barely have any space for the chicken. and you dont just want to eat the chicken and fill up on waffles. thats ridiculous. mind you my experience was somewhat also dampened by the fact that the ball of white stuff on my waffles were not ice cream as i suspected, but instead butter as chris so quickly informed me as i smeared them around.
now, the price to make waffles is no doubt exponentially less than making fried chicken, so from a business stand point its clever. give people some good taste, then just fill them up with fodder. give someone a great drink and then water it down. but i couldnt help but feel ripped off. im the type of person that doesnt like to waste food, so i made it my business to finish the waffles. but paying $15 for something when all you really want is say $6 of filthy bird from KFC is just beyond me.
note to rosscoes: im fucking on to you.
i just went to a 99c store to browse with some cheap friends.
i came out with enough instant noodles to sink a f**king ship.
ps – i am glad angelique likes my blog 😉
0039: watching “casino royale”
0045: went to ralphs to get strawberry ice cream
0100: returned and ate first cup of ice cream
0122: ate second cup of ice cream
0421: ate third cup of ice cream and checked email