i feel something huge happening. i’ve been here before, but it never makes it less scary. it’s like being on a rollercoaster every time. i’m at the dip…. the train slowly starts ascending. it feels like it ascends forever. there’s time to take in the view… and sometimes there’s enough time to reflect on what’s going on… is this a good idea? fear starts rising. as it gets closer, i realise it’s business time and i need to buckle in… and normally only JUST in time.
and this is where i am. i’ve felt this change these few months. no longer stale and stinging from hurt, i feel as though i’ve been galvanised into action. i can’t say by what… but i’ve been spending a lot of time reconnecting with people, and helping as many people as i can. i share the best of my life, with as many people as i can. i do it in the hope that it inspires the next person to do the same. it’s just what i do now.
i’ve been challenging myself with my fears. sometimes i win. sometimes i lose. but im not hiding from any of them. i strive to use my fears as a compass to guide me to things i need to address in my life. i mean, you want to get better at what you’re doing right? you want to be doing it better, faster, and stronger every time.
im doing jiujitsu now. it’s funny how we sometimes know exactly what we need. ive always been drawn to martial arts; but after just a few weeks of training i realised why it was so appealing to me. the respect, the tradition, the discipline. suddenly i have people around me who are driven, have focus, understand respect and tradition, are humble, etc.
dating is an interesting thing. im meeting lots of different wonderful girls. i find myself looking at things differently these days though. i have to be myself now… it’s just too much effort to put up facades. so anyone i meet has to see me for who i am… no more diluting it. and funnily enough, i’m attracting a different type of woman. still scary though. but i figure that never goes away, so im learning to relax and breathe a bit. 😉
remember how i surprised my mum a few years ago for christmas?
(https://youtu.be/cTNMUO6ddUg holy hell its got 130k views mum!)
this time i’m surprising my nieces rosie and aria when they go to hong kong in september! i can’t wait to see them. recently i’ve begun to realise how long i’ve been gone. for me, it’s just been a few years… but for them it’s been huge parts of their childhood. i don’t want to be that uncle they never knew because he was always away working. i listened to rosie play her saxophone the other night. she makes me very proud.
i remember when i met my mentor alexandra billings back in 2010. i was so lost and scared. was i really going to stay in america and pursue an acting career? i’ll never forget what it was like to have someone listen to me the way she did. the way she taught me to now. then she sent me out into the world. i’ve had a lot of conversations with a lot of friends lately. a lot of friends in low places. struggling. fighting. i draw these people in… there’s something about my energy that draws them in. i remind them of their worth. i remind them of their unlimited potential. i remind them of their spirit. and i send them back into the world.
it’s the corniest thing. im treating people exactly as id want to be treated, even when it’s hard.
i’m ready for whatever’s next.
always a good idea.
id like to write in this a little more; and i think going back to writing about basics, instead of looking for huge topics at a time will help me face less resistance to writing.
chris and giang welcomed baby alex to the world on monday (6/2/2017). he’s got a good tuft of hair on his head, and spends a lot of his time with his eyes closed. when he opens them, it’s an occasion to see. i bet he’s going to be smart.
folks are coming to town for a few weeks on the 16th. it’ll be great to see them. play some golf with dad. let mum clean the house (it makes her happy… the less resistance i put up, the happier she is). have them both try and talk me back home to australia and “do something sensible”… it’ll be a good time. i miss them all the time.
ive enjoyed having different people come into my circle lately. a lot of them have been young actors; i find i gravitate towards them too. i enjoy sharing experiences with them. i remember when i first came to hollywood… i remember how daunting the goal seemed, and how i wish id had someone who couldve guided me. if i can impart information to these guys to help get them started, i find a lot of pleasure in doing so.
dating again. it’s funny living the single life again. i have lots more free time to “me” things. spending lots of time in the gym, eating well, and catching up with different people from different circles. your social skills get sharper when you use them more… i feel less introverted when im single. i don’t know that it’s good or bad, just different. will say though, there are definitely times where i wonder if i prefer having someone.
worked well on an audition i had the other day. learning chinese has already started to pay dividends as my mandarin is getting stronger, and confidence and pronunciation is growing with it.
stitchers is back to filming in march. it couldn’t come at a better time; living the single bellman life in hollywood is fun… but that’s not why im here.
i dont think 2016 was a particularly bad year. but following 2015… a year of my first recurring on stitchers, a new love in cheyenne, and continuing work at the mondrian; 2016 just had too much to follow.
this year i had a lot of good friends leave. dan and sonia left. jarren left. garrett and gertie left. a few others too. cheyenne and i broke up.
i suppose things cant stay the same forever, and i know that you have to embrace change to move forward. but i felt as though i was slightly under prepared for just how much of a change losing my core friends would affect me. suddenly im scrambling for company, love, and sex anywhere i can find it.
social media seems to add to the problem. it’s almost taboo to post anything negative. so all you ever see is everyone’s highlight reels. i feel more connected, but at the same time, i do so in the emptiness of my apartment. people get in touch, but none of whom know me.
i feel a little trapped to be honest. everyone wants to talk to the charming, positive, bellman with the australian accent. but few care enough to dig any deeper. so the cliche begins, and the old guard comes up. smiles and positivity. heaven forbid anyone shows anything other than “everything’s great and dandy”.
i didn’t set up a tree this year. i didnt give or receive any presents. i didn’t have the energy or motivation for it. to an extent, there’s an allure to the wallowing. almost as if it’s part of this journey of mine.
that said though, i don’t want to continue like this. it’s not nice feeling like this, nor is it nice being so self absorbed that i can’t appreciate the great and wonderful things in my life. people have reached out, and people do care; i recognise that. i’m glad i do.
this is just where i am now. and i wanted to get my text out. funny… mr actor and mr viewpoints holding things in these days.
funnily enough, i feel very optimistic with 2017. these last few months have been pretty low; and it’s helped me realise what i do and do not want in my life. i’ve allowed myself to feel whatever i’ve needed to feel these last few months and i’m ready to get back on the train. i’ve signed with a new agency, and i have a renewed focus on my work. perhaps this period of loneliness has reminded me the cost i’m paying for this career. and i dont want it to be for nothing.
merry christmas 🙂
i was watching a video on MUTV where there was a video with results from the galatasaray match. it had interviews of rashford and mourinho, highlights, etc, and as i watched i just had a feeling that we were going to win the premier league this year.
from what i see of rashford, he seems to be an exceptionally talented, grateful, hardworking and honest footballer. i have no doubts this kid will be a superstar so long as he keeps his direction. there is a humility, an openness to the game, and joy to his demeanor and it feels like a recipe for success. mark my words.
as for jose mourinho, he seems very focused on his work. he knows exactly what he needs to do to get his players in top form mentally and physically. he knows how to manage his time, and he knows how to prioritise. jose is out to win this year. and it’s clockwork for him.
there was also a portion of the video discussing juan mata. he’s been talked and talked and talked about with regards to his being close to the exit as a result of mourinho’s selling him back in 2014 from chelsea. and i thought about what that would do to a weak person. they’d give up, sulk, throw excuses etc. but juan mata has performed exceptionally in pre-season and looks focused and driven. and that’s a real indication of the level of professionalism he has. he turns up, makes the difference, does his talking with his work, and now looks to be in contention for a starting spot. it would be very tough to ignore him with a mind as sharp as mourinho. a real winner.
i met jamie vardy’s manager today. it was funny, because he seemed to me to have a rashford like energy about him. he seemed extremely proud to be part of the ride, and to be working as a team to keep this fairytale going. he seemed to think the pogba deal was about done… he talked to me about how everyone in their industry talks and knows one another, and i noted it was not dissimilar to the entertainment industry with how everyone knows each other. so good enough for me. pogba is on his way.
i just have a good feeling about this year… this next twelve months.
for me as well. 😉
i haven’t written in this thing a lot. i suppose it’s because i get so worried about everything being recorded in cyberspace… but that’s a discussion for another day.
america are currently in the process of finding their next president. donald trump seems to be the front runner for the republican party, and hillary clinton and bernie sanders are duking it out for the democratic party.
donald trump is treating it like a reality tv show, spewing hate and lies at every turn. hillary clinton continually has her integrity questioned, and her motives and agendas always seem to have a conflict of interest.
bernie sanders however, is looking to bring america into the 21st century. he faces an uphill battle against a country divided. the system and change he is looking to bring to america requires a hard look at the truth… not something usually associated with politics.
like the rest of the world, i hope that bernie gets elected.
““I am over the moon,” Hayne said. “I didn’t just wake up and want to be an NFL player one day. It was a long process with a lot of dark days and a lot of joyous days. Whenever I start talking about what I’ve been through, the emotions get stirred up.”
Jarryd Hayne. One of Australia’s finest sportsmen made the final 53-man cut for the San Francisco 49’s for the 2015/16 NFL season. He’s bringing so much great publicity to the sport, and to Australia. You couldn’t have good things happen to a better person either.
It was interesting reading his feelings on reaching this stage of his career at 27. It’s similar to how I feel now. It’s now been six years since I came to Los Angeles. I’d quit my job as a “Business Development Manager” with Coca Cola on Monday, and arrived to take my first acting classes at AADA on Wednesday. I had no idea what I was doing. I still don’t know what I’m doing now…
But I have made it onto Stitchers as a regular now. I can pay my bills and have a little extra on the side. I may not need to work at the hotel carrying bags much longer. I’m happier now, and more focused.
I had an audition for Hell on Wheels this week. I had to speak Cantonese and worked it at length with mum and dad. It felt really strong.
It feels like I’ve made it onto my own 53 man roster. And now there’s a full season to play for. Everything up until now has been pre-season. NOW, I have to show what I’m made of.
in a flash, it’s already august.
one minute i’m filming stitchers, and the next i’m keeping up on twitter and instagram about season two coming out.
im trying to get back into a healthy and steady workout and eating routine.
i’m going to write in this blog again. i’ve been neglecting it.