i’m sitting here pissed. for all the great and wonderful things going on in my life at the moment, i want more. i feel as though there’s this voice of mediocrity whispering me to be satisfied with what i have (professionally). and it’s very convincing. VERY convincing.
as i lounged around my beautiful new apartment, i sat down with my xbox and laptop on. i cooked a little breakfast and ate as i flipped through facebook…
what’s this? oh. a friend of mine just booked another co-star. hmmm.
oh and look at this. this girl just booked a major feature film.
it’s fine… type congratulations and then finish… eating… and maybe ill play som….
i turned off the xbox, made a call for new headshots and wardrobe assistance. wrote a list of things to get done today… and typed this blog entry. oh… why was i pissed? i was pissed that it took someone else’s shit to get ME motivated again. their success and story has nothing to do with me. then again… i suppose whatever works.
ps – my first ever pumpkin carving is above. thanks mckenna for another american experience :)……. *moosh*
farewell to 1800 dentist. you’ve served your purpose in my life. thank you for providing me the stability i so desperately needed while i set myself up here in my new life in hollywood. you took care of me while i paid my dues in my acting career. you gave me something to do, and a feeling of security in a time in my life where i had few to no constants.
but as 2012 comes to a close, a new chapter awaits writing. i have to put my money where my mouth is. and trust my career.
as i look to the future, i find myself humbled by the opportunities that i’ve been afforded. i’m not just happy to be here anymore. i’m out to get what i’m worth. as i’ve always said, i’m betting my life that i’m right. i wouldn’t want it any other way.
isn’t that just fucking exciting as a bike made out of cardboard?
one of my favourite quotes in a film comes from million dollar baby, where morgan freeman talks about the magic of a dream. he talks about the magic that’s found in giving your life for a goal and a dream that no one sees but you.
whether you’re making a cardboard bike, or looking to be a hollywood actor… if you want something, go after it. period. it’s the magic everyone wants in the life. and it’s everyone’s right.
why? i’ve no clue. but for the first time since i’ve been in los angeles, i’ve not been able to sleep at all.
there’s not a lot floating around in my head (fuck me right? ha!)… it’s a little cold in here. here. right. my brand new spanking apartment. i’ve begun to make this place really feel like a home. perhaps that’s why i’m comfortable enough to stay up all night. it’s mine. i haven’t had a home in a while. it’s coming along well. save for the master bedroom needing a paint over.
i had a really productive couple of days.
pardon… my thoughts are a bit scattered. it’s 4am. i remember the years between 2002 and 2007. floating through classes at university, not caring about my grades, and having no interest in what i was doing. stay up to play video games until the sun came up. i used to watch the sun come up around 6am, and felt there was something going on. i didn’t know what. looking back, it didn’t feel like wasted time. i look back now, and think about how nice it was to just be lost for a while. floating. i spent my days with my roomie watching futurama and talking to girls online. i played cricket and practised kung fu.
i don’t know what triggered it. but being in this apartment alone for a while gave me some time to gather my thoughts, and refocus.
wait holy shit. i just made a huge discovery. earlier tonight, i just had a craving to play video games. i haven’t done that in YEARS. i wanted to stay up all night, like when i was carefree and lost.
it’s not the video games that i’ve missed (though i plan on buying an xbox for the apartment… i have a tv for the first time <hmmmm, lots of firsts coming around this three year mark>, so why not use it?)… but it’s been the alone time. i’d forgotten what it was like to recharge alone for a few days. i needed to find a balance between who i was back when i was in university, and who i’ve become now. all work, no play and no alone time sneaks up on you and eventually pisses people off.
get your fucking text out.
i hope mckenna likes her surprise. she’s pretty special.
i had an audition yesterday for a project. a feature film, and i hadn’t done research on who it was for, or who it’d be with. more often than not, i’ll focus on just doing the work on the script, and maybe a bit of background on the producers and directors to get an idea of what kind of work they’re doing.
the audition went swimmingly. not a particularly tough audition. i’m interacting with the main characters who run a furniture store as a front to illegal activity. three scenes, eight lines. a good sized role for where i’m at in my career. i was given no direction. what that means is that following my audition, the casting director had no notes, and i did it in one take. sometimes this is a bad thing (because it means there’s no more of you that they want to see), and other times, it’s good (as you’ve done exactly what they want to present to the producers, directors and other decision makers). this was a good one. how do i know? as an actor, you just do.
a role in a feature film. that’d be nice. maybe i should look it up to see who’s involved. get this. the lead actors opposite me in my scene?
ewan mcgregor and carey mulligan.
that’d be nice.
speech is such an inefficient form of communication. words. i mean, they came about because we needed a way to express ourselves about something inside of us. perhaps it was a caveman telling another where to find the best kills and where the danger was. or perhaps it was a form of story telling and entertainment. i don’t know. but whatever it’s origins… in 2012, i sit here contemplating what words and speech mean to me, and it just seems flawed.
“people hear what they want to hear because they have an agenda”.
this gem came out from acting class today. film acting class. there is an emphasis on the words never being important, but of course, you put a script in an actor’s hands, and it’s all they care about.
acting class always stirs this passion in me. i’m so glad it does this to me. it reminds me i’m doing the right thing.
anyway. back to the inefficiency of human speech as according to ross le… speech as an expression of one’s feelings just aren’t reliable. we’re told from a young age that actions speak louder than words. “i’m sorry”, “i love you”, “fuck off”… they’re just words. you hear them all the time. communication is 20% verbal (or whatever it is)… and it’s true. i don’t want people throwing words, the aforementioned, or anything else.
i feel the problem lies here. to everything that happens in our lives, our heart has a reaction. i’ve come to call this “kinesthetic response”. this is honest. no matter what’s going on, whether someone touches your arm, you hear a car crash, you hear a child cry, you see an old couple embrace… something happens in your heart. now… what you do as a result, comes from the heart, and is filtered through the brain. and the brain often loses things in translation. the brain has been trained since the day you were born to protect you and your interests. it’s almost like an overprotective parent. and with the brain being in charge of the words, and not the heart, there can only be a flawed version of what one would really like to express.
does that make sense? or am i rambling? these are just words. i had no better way to communicate with all four of you.
it’s funny because one of my favourite sayings is “get your text out”. it’s important. i still believe that. but now i want to add to it (dare i?).
“get your HONEST text out”.
one more thing. i couldn’t get home fast enough to get this out of my brain. acting inspires me. it reminds me of so much that i have to be grateful for. there are so many great and wonderful things that i want to do with my time. and i have to find the focus and balance.
this is falling