never forget why you’re here. even if it takes the most extreme measures, remind yourself where you came from and what you gave up to be here. pain is like the credit card with which you pay for your success.
walking around single and free in hollywood can be a true blessing. all the time you wanted when you first arrived is here in abundance. all the opportunities are here. you just need the hunger back. it’s on its way back.
i haven’t even headed home yet, and i’m already looking forward to getting back to hollywood because i know it’s the perspective and reminder that i need. it’s scary, it’s refreshing… there’s so much that i want to do.
argh… how did i forget this feeling?
i spoke to mum tonight for an hour. i couldn’t sleep. she was getting ready for bed herself funnily enough… and we just hung out. the conversation hovered around the usual subjects. am i gambling? do i have enough blankets? am i eating enough? am i gambling?
no mum, i’m fine. i’m great.
… i am great… right? no, yeah… i’m great.
“what do you want son?”
i couldn’t answer. just a great sadness hit me. it’s that time of the year again, as the holidays come around. and you know these americans do it big as well. it’s fucking everywhere. and im spending it alone again. fuck i hate pity parties. when did i become this scroogey person? is this all really part of the cost of me being here? man. i chose THIS??
mum wanted to get off the phone (kinda), but i wanted her to stay. i’m missing home. of course i am. it’s been four years, and i’m still here. and in my missing home, and my jealousy of alex and chris and their financial success… mum of all people was there to back me up and remind me that i’m doing something special. never thought id see the day.
im single at the moment and dating. it’s strange, this is what mckenna wanted. but now that i’m starting to meet girls again, im realising maybe this is what i wanted too. 30, single in hollywood? holy crap. nothing serious, just meeting people here and there. sydney is so much fun and giggly. neleigh is completely new and NOT an actress. and caroline just has a GREAT fucking smile. asking for numbers again, and remembering to smile when meeting new girls.
oh right… stop being miserable, they can see that.
wait, do i look ok? do i have gum?
you need to talk to that girl in the next 30s.
i can’t believe you just said that.
ah. this shit. i remember this. i’m 30, am i still supposed to be doing this? wait some people do it until their 50’s. some stop in their 20’s. what am i doing? i have no fucking clue. i suppose im just filling in the gaps while i chip away at this career. and i suppose im just enjoying what life has for me right now. maybe ill forget that i’m missing home more and more every day.
anyway mum, im fine… love and miss all of you.