Archive | May 2013

my rat sydney.

IMG_0589a year ago i met sydney in a pet store. bold and brave, she was the only rat to take to mckenna and i the lid of her housing at petco was removed. without any fear or hesitation, she climbed up mckenna’s arm and sniffed around approvingly. when i was told moment later that she could potentially be snake food, i had no choice. i took her home. i dubbed her the guardian of “the next stage of my acting career”, and would often show her scripts which she would shred and turn into bedding. any scripts i got, she would be there with me. with her by my side, i booked my first co-star, and my first national commercial. before every audition, i’d make sure i’d check in with her so she could wish me luck. 

she got sick recently, and stopped eating. she lost a lot of weight, and this afternoon she slipped away. 

recently, i’ve been having a pretty bad time. with lots on my plate, there are few times that i notice my acting career. if it’s going well, it’s like my saviour. the redeeming part of my life that reminds me that it’s all ok. but in times when it’s quiet, like it has been lately… it’s tough. i’ve been going out of my mind quietly since the start of the year because it’s the longest stretch i’ve had without booking anything. i’ve been keeping calm, keeping busy, taking care of all my business. the reels, the headshots, the classes… the constant self reminders that i’m ok and to stay calm. 

but i haven’t been ok. and today when sydney died, it kinda felt as though it was time. she’d taken care of that stage of my acting career. and it was time for her to go. the next stage is waiting for me. 

there are many out there who will say that’s crazy. and that i’m grasping at straws. and that sydney was just a rat. but the truth of the matter is… i don’t need anyone else to make sense of it. i don’t need anyone to see the value of sydney in my life. as long as i do. there is joy in everything if you want there to be. find as much of it as you can because it’s your life. 

i’m going to miss sydney a lot. but it’s life. and i have to keep going. thanks for the memories.

r.

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hey son.

“hey there tiger.

i know we haven’t spoken much lately, and i’m sorry about that. that’s my fault. i guess i wanted to see how you were doing, and how you were feeling. i know it sounds silly because i’m always checking in on what you’re doing. but what i mean is that i just got so caught up in raising you, that i forgot to enjoy what you were in yourself. a magical gift that i’m so lucky to have.

it wasn’t until a few years ago that i’d started thinking about having you. and i was a pretty different person then. and i’m learning more and more every day that, even though you may THINK you know how you’d act in a situation, you never really know until you face it. and so i’m here saying that this is new for me. i’m sorry, and i’m going to start listening to you again. i’m going to choose better, for both of our sakes. you with me?

i want you to know i’m so happy you’re in my life. and that i’m sorry. but that i want to keep being here. and fight to keep what we have strong. and to move forward into the future.

r.”