if you’re not happy with what’s going on, then do something different. it’s fairly simple. your current situation cannot change if you continue doing what you’re doing.
the problem is, it’s easy to fall back into patterns, because they are the default. you have to consciously remind yourself… what do i usually do? then do something different.
in australia before i left, i was getting so frustrated with working at cocacola, i couldve torn the walls down. the smugness of these 9-5 middle management assholes who acted like they ran the world just drove me insane. but really, it wasn’t them who bothered me. it was the fact that i allowed myself to be in that situation. then i broke free and came to hollywood and it felt wonderful.
now i’m at 1800-dentist. it’s exactly the same shit. and while they are wonderful in allowing me to work in tandem with my schedule, it’s still 40 hours a week i have to surround myself with that torrid working atmostphere. and it’s infecting my art. the reason i’m here. i’ve suddenly inadvertently recreated my situation. what a bitch.
so i have to again do the scary thing. and soon. how can i be this actor when i’m surrounding myself with people away from my industry? of course it’s going to piss me off. i didn’t come here for this, and i need to remind myself of that every paycheque.
SO. here’s what i’m going to do. rather than wait for new years resolutions, i have a list of things i want to work on. feel free to bug me.
– im moving to runyon canyon at the start of next month… someone help me throw a housewarming.
– being near runyon, i want to actually use it to get EXERCISE (that foreign thing) happening… training buddies?
– take up alex’s recommendation of teaching viewpoints… i’ve been backing away from that long enough
– increasing use of social media (because who doesn’t want to hear about my meals on twitter? FOLLOW ME https://twitter.com/rossle83)… and an overdue website.
start there. happy three years to me. someone told me a little while ago (and i’d heard similar when i moved here), that it takes three years in LA for actors to get an idea of how things work, but they often leave before that. navigating this town can be dangerous. sharks, vultures, and the occasional dragon are always out to get you.
oh, and i’m going on holiday to san francisco for four days this week. my first holiday in three years.
When I was younger I had a mixed Maltese terrier named Jasper. My ultimate pet. Every kid should have a dog growing up. And I was lucky enough to have had Jasper in my life.
Sometimes while playing with him, I would toss him multiple tennis balls. I used to think it hilarious to watch him drop one ball to chase another. Or try to get both.
But really, how am I different? “Well…You can’t have everything.” people tell me. Jasper, realizing that or not, would never give up.
A dog that never gave up. Never settled. And fought. For something as simple as a ball.
It’s only funny now because I realize how much I could learn from him.
Go get that tennis ball Jasper. I’ll do the same.
i’ve felt off the pace lately. i think since my castle episode, i’d fallen into something of a slump. i mean, things haven’t been that bad really… i got to see my parents, i’ve started exercising and eating healthier, and work is steady. but i’ve been pissed off and frustrated. i should know by now things go in cycles. but at the same time, i’m regular at this to know that when you’re down in the cycle, it never feels like it’s going to end. even if you know it will.
truth is… when my acting engine isn’t running… everything else suffers. my judgement, self worth, drive and ambition all get corrupted. it’s scary this time around though, because getting into class with alex billings had always solved everything. not this time. i can’t ever put a proper finger on it, but i get angry. like someone’s holding my soul hostage. funnily enough, it’s always myself. and in addition, the anger and frustration itself is normally indication enough.
i was cleaning out my sydney and beatrice’s home today, and i started talking to them… yeah i talk to my rats. asking them what i should do to get out of my slump.
i asked more specific questions. do i need to get back into class?
do i need to start getting out more and take a break?
put on a film?
they both ran to the door and put their paws up.
whether coincidence that i’d started making my way towards the food bags or not, i took it as an idea. as i fed them, i threw on my favourite film. “scent of a woman”… and before the opening credits came on, the intro theme hit me. i sat and watched, and it just felt like a reset switch had been hit. it felt like i’d been reminded why i was here. end result thinking was getting to me. i hadn’t been giving myself the freedom and the “yes” that i’d been looking for in other people.
thanks sydney and beatrice… beatrice you’re still not to go into the kitchen.
a teacher of mine once told me that if you cut out all the people in your life that lie, cheat, betray you… you’re going to have no one left.
i live my life as i do my art. the things i do in my acting career, have filtered into my life. and vice versa. one of the greatest lessons i learned as an actor, was to find out what everyone else was doing… then do the opposite. i haven’t had the prettiest week.
i was hurt by a situation and hurt by close people. i’m only human. it’s going to sting. but before i sent my mind reeling into a black hole of… well… unhelpful thoughts and feelings, i stopped. let’s play this acting card. what would everyone else do? cross that all out. how would my art and the universe unfold this? the sooner you embrace and make peace with what’s going on. the better.
people are going to be who they are. that’s why there are no apologies. there is no forgiving. this is a tough step. but once i began realising this… i realised something else. it’s up to you to decide who you let into your life. if someone continues to be who they are, then ultimately you can choose not to have them there. no one is faultless. but people can grow. and that’s a choice we all make.
once you realise the universe is not out to get you. you can move forward faster, it’s not personal. the universe was here before me. it will be here after me.
art in my life. life in my art. thanks alex.
i’m not going to work today. i need another day off. amie meadows is pretty bad ass for helping me with my audition. i think i eat healthier around you as well.
my imdb meter is higher than it’s ever been. sitting pretty at 16k. it may be a while before it’s ever that high again. i’m spending this day off doing acting stuff. i feel like a terrible actor. i see people on stage and on film all the time doing this wonderful work. and i wonder if i can still do it. or if i’ve just become a teacher and critic who used to. what did i do? oh right. i ran past nathan fillion. i mean the last time i was on stage, i was being hanged. by silas weir mitchell. nice guy. i don’t think it really pushed my acting chops though.
so postcards, and casting directors will be seeing my face. it feels kind of mechanical. i told amie just the other night… “you’re immersing yourself in the side of the business that wears you down. your subconscious knows that if you continue like this, you’ll eventually give up and go back to where it’s safe. keep finding your joy, and you’ll stay forever.” hmm… never good at taking my own advice.
i suppose that’s why some people get into relationships. there’s a serious joy to be found. and it’s a lot easier than becoming an actor. it’s right there for everyone. and yet i feel as though i’m standing at the gates saying “no, i want the acting career.” well shit. what if i’m wrong? the past few days, i’ve felt like i’ve been wrong.
on a side note i’ve made another very ordinary discovery. when i’m drunk there’s a side of me that comes out that i miss. i’m suddenly more laid back, worry free, and fun. i’m so wrapped up in this city and this career, that i find it hard to let go when i’m sober. i suppose that’s how the slippery slope starts for an actor. i miss that guy. he’s a lot more fun. his parrots don’t consume him. funny, the mind that allows me to slip like this and get text out like this… is exactly my gift. what a piece of shit.
back to bed.
i’ll let you in on a secret.
we’re both gambling our lives. you need me to be wrong. and you need me to fail. otherwise i was right.
but before the roulette wheel stops spinning. before the end of the football game. before the cards come out. before the jackpot numbers come out.
i know that when the game is over… we don’t get to spend the winnings somewhere else. we don’t leave the casino. we don’t leave the racetrack. this is it. we get one chance to play. and we never get to come back again.
i’ve already won.
i went out to see dane cook with some good friends the other night. well actually -before i get busted by athena again- i went out to hollywood improv where dane cook was a LAST MINUTE SPECIAL GUEST.
he got up and did a quick set, and he was funny as balls. he just gets comedy and has a carefree, detached approach to his routine (which ultimately runs in parallel with how anyone should approach their art) that just screams, this is what it is… take it or leave it. people normally take it.
but between talking about banging 20 year old girls, vaginas smelling like they’d been washed by dirtier vaginas (fuck you dan you thieving asshole)… he said one thing for me that stood out. he spoke about how he was never cool in high school, and how he struggled with depression (nothing really ground breaking there) and the like. but now, at the age of forty, he felt as though he was hitting his peak… and how fucking glad he was that he didn’t peak in high school.
in an industry that DEMANDS patience, i know artists all around me that want everything right now. i am a huge culprit of this as well. part of my drive has impatience that demands that i go and get everything now and while this fire has often galvanized me into action it has often also exhausted me in times where there was little more that i could do. this in turn has brought about some serious mood swings.
i felt a gear shift today. and it honestly felt like it was never going to come… i guess what i’m saying is that sometimes you need to hang on just a little longer. remind yourself that commitment means you don’t just quit when things get rough. if you’re in for the long haul, blips are just that.
after all, dane seems to have a pretty good grasp of things. thanks for the wisdom dane cook. you owe me dan for getting you in touch with your hero.
have you clicked this yet? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4415773/
this actually helps me when producers look me up… seriously…