18 months ago when i was in therapy and undergoing a number of periods of growth, i made a discovery about change. perhaps obvious when spelled out, but overlooked in it’s simplicity more often than you’d think. putting bananas and milk into a blender will forever make banana milkshakes, until you change the ingredients. you can’t get apple juice without changing what you’re putting in.
people so often wonder why their lives stay the same, whilst continuing on in their same ways, and thereby creating the same outcomes for themselves. we’ve always a clear idea about how everyone else should live their lives, but never our own. so often though, if we dare be so brave… the answers can be found without. just with a little truth.
i’ve been thinking tonight that i want to add three programs to my life… (i’m such a geek, i think in terms of a computer)…
1. double reward system – for every “yes” i say to things i fear, face resistance from, avoid, and excuse myself from, i give myself a minor reward (chocolate, ice cream, a night alone, a night out, etc). i benefit from removing my “no hat”, whilst also reinforcing positive choices in my life.
2. discipline. i want to go out of my way to truly give myself a structure that i have always lacked, or undervalued.
3. building on doing the opposite of my instinct. this ties in somewhat with the first paragraph. to continually stay where i am, i need to change nothing. but to move forward and grow, some things will have to change. i have to carefully use my judgement to know when instinct is guiding me properly, and when comfort, fear and my no “hat” are being the knee jerk reaction.
its the 22nd of december. christmas time is here again. and i’m sitting here in my apartment. i really wish i had something to smoke. i have a little time to myself, and it’s nice to reflect on the year passed, and also what i want from 2013.
my goals as i lay them out… well, i’d like two guest star credits. i’d like a co-star to warm up. a movie role. and throw in a national commercial. that sounds reasonable, and achievable.
i’m watching BREAKING BAD. i gave in, and it seemed like something i’d enjoy. no wait… actually it’s because of bryan cranston. the guy’s a fucking genius. i saw him in DRIVE with ryan gosling. and i remember he brought such warmth with his work. now that i’ve learned more about acting, i’ve realised it’s not about making some bullshit character up. it’s about showing what and who you are. i’ve come to the conclusion that the best actors out there… when you see them on screen are true to themselves. i bet i know what leonardo dicaprio is like when he’s nervous or pissed. i bet i know what ralph feinnes is like when he argues. i bet i know what bryan cranston is like at home or with friends. i bet i know what morgan freeman is like… well whenever.
i’m lacking some genuine confidence in my ability. or am i? i think what i need is a solid blend of humility and confidence. overreaching can really put a strain on yourself. while not backing yourself enough doesn’t allow you to stretch yourself enough. my anxiety is a symptom of a bigger problem i feel. as i’ve learned in life, more often than not we as humans incorrectly label our obstacles as problems rather than being the symptoms of something else.
i’m going to get some more postcards done.
what was i going to say? right. i feel as though i’m wasting away here. i’m getting better as an actor all the time, but where i need to grow most is my experience on set. that would help me grow exponentially. but i’m stuck here mailing postcards, and watching shows i could be on. i’m not entirely sure what more i could be doing. i need new and more people in my life. i think there are more avenues that i could be using to push my career. i don’t think this is about me not being patient.
hmmmm. merry happy holidays.
i’m planning a little trip to chicago in january. it’s something i’ve wanted to do for a little while. most of you who know me, know that i’ve not done much if any traveling around the US. i have a few things i need to take care of there, but it’s also a good excuse to get out of california for a few days.
i was actually hoping to meet up with an ex, just to see a familiar face. it’d been a while since we’d seen each other, so i shot her a msg seeing if she’d like to get a drink. she replied that she wouldn’t be comfortable with a catch up and part of her decision was respect for her other half. she also wished me a good time when i got there. hmm. all right.
“respect. take care and good luck.”
i put my phone down, and drove home and had a think. i think it stung a little, but really, i found it so refreshing that someone could come out and be honest. no games, just a genuine and straight answer. that she respects her half when making decisions like exes just seemed tremendous. it wouldn’t have been easy to send a text like that. she could’ve ignored me. she could’ve lied. lots of things.
but she didn’t. and that’s really cool.
manny pacquaio fights juan marquez for the fourth time december 8th. i was watching a preview on my xbox earlier this evening, and was in awe of manny’s preparation (really, almost any professional in any sport). i think about all the pushups, situps, bags, and drills that go on behind the scenes for MONTHS before they get into the ring. and then i think about what it must be like to then climb into the ring for twelve 3 minute rounds, and have all your work hang on the outcome. the chance of having everything… or losing everything on a single punch. it could happen in a second.
there is the school of thought that you just have to find that one punch. just work on getting that one punch. well sure… but that kinda leaves EVERYTHING ELSE EXPOSED. are you going to risk months or training, your career on the hope of just getting ONE PUNCH off? no. you’re going to train every facet of your game, so that when you step into the ring, you’re performing at your peak. you have everything at your disposal. that one punch may come, but if it doesn’t, you’re still performing at a level that allows you to overcome your opponent.
i’ve two more auditions tomorrow. one for “don’t trust the bitch in apt23” and something called “malibu country”. obviously i didn’t get grey’s anatomy (dang). and i got to thinking as i reviewed my sides. i may recently have been placing too much emphasis on getting that one punch off. by raising my all round game, i guarantee that regardless of whether or not i get that knock out punch, i’m still putting in a performance that maximizes my chances of booking the role.
it’s not a coincidence that this analogy works for so many different challenges in your life.