recently i’d lost touch with something that had originally worked so well for me. unfortunately, it had been gone a long time. like a old friend i’d lost contact with, i hadn’t even noticed it had happened. speak your text. your honest text that you have inside.
for some reason, i’d become stifled. the parrots inside my head had begun to really weigh me down. i’ve had a lot of triggers go off in 2013, and it’d been poisoning my mind. before i knew it, i’d become so judgmental and hateful of everything around me. jealousy, anger, frustration… it was like i was waking up every morning and just thinking… “FUCK! it’s barely 830am, i’m exhausted and my day’s off to a poor start”.
my box of fucks was completely empty.
and not surprisingly. i’d traded them all in for this jar of bitterness, anger and judgement chips. so i’ve had to make a few minor adjustments. like a car needing a little tuneup after driving through the streets of hollywood too long. after all this time, i suppose it’s not unbelievable that in a town where judgements are a huge part of the lifestyle and industry insecurities had found their way into my “self expression” and “self value” centers of my brain and run amok.
luckily, i realised what i needed to do to get back on track.
1. i need that box of fucks back for myself.
have a nice day.
ps – i’ve also realised i need to start thinking about the future. without longer plans, my immediate plans lack direction… no matter how bad i want them.
time for something new. i give it two months.
they want me to do a monologue for the feature film audition tomorrow. that almost never happens. i shouldn’t complain. i’m getting out again. and more often. and for bigger things.
i’m not going to prepare anything. quite a choice.
i’m going to talk to them about something honest. after all, they want to see me. it’s all i can offer them. and i can’t do that behind a mask or character creation.
i don’t talk a lot about regret. i believe we are who we are because of everything we’ve been through. that and an influence from our own personality thumbprint. but i’ve just started to wonder what could’ve been. maybe it’s because of what i’m starting to learn. i am curious now about how things could have turned out had i chosen differently.
i like flirting with the idea. that’s what i’m going to share.
the theme these past few weeks has been that old cliche of “be careful what you wish for”. i suppose the way it goes, is that when we wish, we wish without boundaries. almost as though we accept that what we want is truly beyond us, and the infinite possibilities of the universe. and if we get it, we have to accept the consequences we may have missed as a result of being blinded by the obvious. the wonderful. the amazing…
i have a wonderful opportunity tomorrow. for something fanfuckingtastic. and just the process is a joy. it was a rough january and february, but here i am in march. it’s the kind of opportunity that really makes you wake up to where you’re at.
i hear so many people whispering about fearing being unprepared, or not ready. or not up to it.
i worry that i am.