i dont think 2016 was a particularly bad year. but following 2015… a year of my first recurring on stitchers, a new love in cheyenne, and continuing work at the mondrian; 2016 just had too much to follow.
this year i had a lot of good friends leave. dan and sonia left. jarren left. garrett and gertie left. a few others too. cheyenne and i broke up.
i suppose things cant stay the same forever, and i know that you have to embrace change to move forward. but i felt as though i was slightly under prepared for just how much of a change losing my core friends would affect me. suddenly im scrambling for company, love, and sex anywhere i can find it.
social media seems to add to the problem. it’s almost taboo to post anything negative. so all you ever see is everyone’s highlight reels. i feel more connected, but at the same time, i do so in the emptiness of my apartment. people get in touch, but none of whom know me.
i feel a little trapped to be honest. everyone wants to talk to the charming, positive, bellman with the australian accent. but few care enough to dig any deeper. so the cliche begins, and the old guard comes up. smiles and positivity. heaven forbid anyone shows anything other than “everything’s great and dandy”.
i didn’t set up a tree this year. i didnt give or receive any presents. i didn’t have the energy or motivation for it. to an extent, there’s an allure to the wallowing. almost as if it’s part of this journey of mine.
that said though, i don’t want to continue like this. it’s not nice feeling like this, nor is it nice being so self absorbed that i can’t appreciate the great and wonderful things in my life. people have reached out, and people do care; i recognise that. i’m glad i do.
this is just where i am now. and i wanted to get my text out. funny… mr actor and mr viewpoints holding things in these days.
funnily enough, i feel very optimistic with 2017. these last few months have been pretty low; and it’s helped me realise what i do and do not want in my life. i’ve allowed myself to feel whatever i’ve needed to feel these last few months and i’m ready to get back on the train. i’ve signed with a new agency, and i have a renewed focus on my work. perhaps this period of loneliness has reminded me the cost i’m paying for this career. and i dont want it to be for nothing.
merry christmas 🙂