things sure are different around here…

i don’t talk to mckenna anymore. at all.

i’m starting to realise we just weren’t good together. i suppose i should’ve accepted it a lot earlier.

i’m recurring on Stitchers. it’s the coolest fucking thing i’ve ever done. and it’s exactly what i imagined it would be. but even better. at every turn, there’s something to learn, and it’s such a rush. i’m trying my best not to come across as clueless as i really am. i have no idea what i’m doing.

i ducked home to sydney for a week for my 32nd birthday. it was great seeing everyone, and i was really proud to tell them about Stitchers. i suppose there’s a side of me that really wants them to know that i’m doing ok out here. im also really proud the kids know who i am. being an uncle isn’t so hard. couple of careful questions here, a couple of gifts and jokes there…

cheyenne. i love what we’re building… i didn’t think i’d be ready to be honest. but here goes…

r.

2015.

i’m really excited for this year.

r.

roxy.

thanks for hanging out for so much longer than you were supposed to. tell sydney and beatrice that i needed you.

enjoy that rainbow bridge.

r.

good week.

hervey grimes. holy hell. four auditions in two weeks. one national, two co stars, and a fucking series regular. this is the kind of shit that i’d go green with envy hearing about a few months ago. i mean, these are BIG auditions. and after being out of action for so long, it just feels so damn good to be swinging the bat again.

from those auditions, ive had three callbacks and two avails. i’d say booking one in five avails is a realistic guess at what the average actor should expect to hit in their career. in 2013 alone i had four, so it sounds to me like im overdue. (avail is the step that comes after they’ve selected a final duo, trio, etc from the callbacks. upon confirming all minor details, and aesthetic preferences of the people on avail, one actor is offered the job)

helped mckenna run lines on her audition today. i’ve always enjoyed watching her work. we ran it a few times, and i even gave some input (holy hell right?). there’s a new found comfort lately between us. it’s warm, friendly and close.

and get this, i get an audition notice for monday. the biggest one of the year. a series regular role on a new pilot filming early 2015. it’s the same pilot mckenna’s reading for. and naturally the role is the one i’d just read with mckenna. r’n m at it’s best.

saw american sniper the other night. i keep getting these emails from SAG telling me about this event and that event, and i always ignore them. i got my sag bill for the year in the mail. not overly steep, but i started thinking about the thousands i’d paid and what i’d been through to get the damn SAG card and decided to actually see what the fine folks on wilshire were offering before i trashed the msgs. luckily i did, because it’s awards voting season (and im a fancy voting member), and invites to screenings were listed.

so i went to the movie and deccided to bring ellie. she’s a cool girl i met in the hotel. she’s from minnesota and talks with a funny accent. we were going to stay for the q and a with the actors but decided to bail when bradley cooper was confirmed to be absent.

i suppose there’s just been a lot of positive vibes going on in my circle in this last week. a lot of the things i’ve been really worrying about (rightfully so or not) have kind of looked after themselves. it’s a relief you know? i swear there are times i really feel like i’m kidding myself trying to be an actor in hollywood. but then there are those days where things run just well enough that you’re inspired to keep swinging.

i’ve been talking to cheyenne a lot lately. so that’s cool…

r.

keep going anyway.

russ has been going through some rough times. this of course brings out the superhero in me. i like listening. and i like helping. russ tells me that recently his struggles have been eased remembering the text i’d given him.

“keep going, even when it hurts.”

funny. i say this stuff, but i wonder if it’s just text… i haven’t tested myself for a while.

recently i’ve had to make a lot of changes. when my parents left, i realised how distracted i’d become. i realised i was taking care of everything i had to survive with my eyes closed. i was fine. i could do this forever. so why wasn’t i stretching myself and going after my acting career? why was i in some weird cruise control?

it’s been really tough looking in the mirror. but i’m making different choices and it feels like it’s paying off. it hurts. but i gotta keep going anyway.

r.

foreigner in a familiar place.

learning sides. mailing agencies. organising meetings. rearranging work schedules. meeting agents. practising accents. making new friends.

i remember this. i used to do this all the time. it feels like such a big change doing it again. it shouldn’t feel so foreign. but it does. and therein lies the joy i’ve been feeling in the past few weeks.

r.

where’s the fun at?

played a round of golf with jarren today. clay’s off in europe for a few weeks. he’s a good guy, i’m glad we’re hanging out more lately. competing with him really gives me something.

tried to put together a plan for my “career” but couldn’t bring myself out of procrastination mode and went to the hot tub instead.

i watched some youtube videos and came across my favourites. fail videos. people doing stupid things. standard stuff. but as i watched them, i started seeing some familiar scenes. guys charging around dorm rooms with mattresses… i used to do that. jumping off balconies to pools… that too. now i look at it, and just think “oh fuck… why???”.

and then there are videos of people in different countries doing things for the first time. really living and being happy. and then here i am seemingly waiting for a golden ticket. i mean really, how hard have i been working this last twelve months? not very.

but now, just as i start to question how much fun i’m having here… my motivation seems to be coming back almost by itself. it’s almost as though i’ve recently realised that i don’t have all of my youth to just explore the world anymore.

i feel like i’ve discovered a new fear.

r.