scent of recovery.
i’ve felt off the pace lately. i think since my castle episode, i’d fallen into something of a slump. i mean, things haven’t been that bad really… i got to see my parents, i’ve started exercising and eating healthier, and work is steady. but i’ve been pissed off and frustrated. i should know by now things go in cycles. but at the same time, i’m regular at this to know that when you’re down in the cycle, it never feels like it’s going to end. even if you know it will.
truth is… when my acting engine isn’t running… everything else suffers. my judgement, self worth, drive and ambition all get corrupted. it’s scary this time around though, because getting into class with alex billings had always solved everything. not this time. i can’t ever put a proper finger on it, but i get angry. like someone’s holding my soul hostage. funnily enough, it’s always myself. and in addition, the anger and frustration itself is normally indication enough.
i was cleaning out my sydney and beatrice’s home today, and i started talking to them… yeah i talk to my rats. asking them what i should do to get out of my slump.
i asked more specific questions. do i need to get back into class?
do i need to start getting out more and take a break?
put on a film?
they both ran to the door and put their paws up.
whether coincidence that i’d started making my way towards the food bags or not, i took it as an idea. as i fed them, i threw on my favourite film. “scent of a woman”… and before the opening credits came on, the intro theme hit me. i sat and watched, and it just felt like a reset switch had been hit. it felt like i’d been reminded why i was here. end result thinking was getting to me. i hadn’t been giving myself the freedom and the “yes” that i’d been looking for in other people.
thanks sydney and beatrice… beatrice you’re still not to go into the kitchen.